BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
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Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl