[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
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I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband