[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
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Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes