With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
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What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.