FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
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Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
me irl
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
For the orator and chef in all of us
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
It’s the weekend y’all
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.