Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
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bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…