Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
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oh u like history? name everything that happened
Me: Your wifi isn鈥檛 working
Dad: Well, it鈥檚 right next to you!
Me: Yes it鈥檚 obviously something I鈥檓 doing wrong. I鈥檒l wifi harder
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Netflix: We have Less
life finds a way
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
No, I don鈥檛 think I will.
In India, when they say there鈥檚 an elephant in the room, there鈥檚 an elephant in the room.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do馃憦you馃憦want馃憦a馃憦ham馃憦sandwich馃憦or馃憦turkey馃憦and馃憦cheese
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn鈥檛 find the ice cream she wanted*
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog