she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
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If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful