“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
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Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I’m already scared
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Favourite diary entry ever
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.