*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
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If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Free him
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.