Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
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In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
I laughed at this way too hard.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!