I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
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I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
asking santa clause for nudes
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?