If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
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*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Yes my dude
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
One of the best
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.