Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
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[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.