*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
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*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*