“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks