😂😂
You Might Also Like
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what