If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
You Might Also Like
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
This was a bad idea all around