whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
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If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.