Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
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[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
🍛
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.