I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
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My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.