Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
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You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
i hope my email finds you on fire
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.