I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
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I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.