Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
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According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too