every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
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(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.