me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
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[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
*pokes sex life with a stick
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”