CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
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How do I rate our solar system?
One star
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
That’s amazing.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Some people were born into their job.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet