Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
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judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Grandmother clock.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
This is amazing.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops