When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
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Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day