Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
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I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.