Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
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“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?