[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
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You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
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“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.