Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
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Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Cheers Twitter.