I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
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*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on