My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
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Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50