Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
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*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this