Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
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My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
BETRAYAL