Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
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I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Dance like you’re not the father
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.