A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
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Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.