The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
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i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
new career option?
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Spring of Deception
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
it must be school picture day
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!