Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
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My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need