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venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
One of the best
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?