When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
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Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Yup.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.