“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
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Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Get in loser we’re going crying
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.