I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
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To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.