What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
You Might Also Like
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men