Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
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“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement