I’m confused about plants
You Might Also Like
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Every. Damn. Time.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway