*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
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On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her