I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
You Might Also Like
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.